thoughts

I sometimes have the weirdest thoughts when I am half-awake, half-asleep. It is sometimes hard to explain them. It is like I have a random thought but I believe it is true. Or I reminisce about something that happened that didn't really happen. A good example is that one time I started falling asleep in seminary and I started thinking about going to work and that I didn't know how to work the oven. But then I realized that I didn't have an oven at work and I didn't have to use an oven in any way. I was a clerk for a video rental store. When my mind realized this then I woke up. This is an example that is easy to explain, but this is a pretty normal one. A lot of times they are much more bizarre, which creates very interesting things because my brain triggers real emotions. Just barely I was watching The Prestige and I started getting tired and started to fall asleep and then I started reminiscing about this time that I died (obviously I never died). It was kind of disturbing.

Birthing

Having babies is such a weird thing if you stop and think about it. There is one person/animal/camel and then another person/animal/camel comes out of the inside of them. In anthropology we watched a movie of a camel giving birth and it struck me as so weird. There was also a part of the movie where we saw a kid's bare pee-pee.

Love

"Most people see the problem of love primarily as that of being loved, rather than that of loving, of one's capacity to love. Hence the problem to them is how to be loved, how to be lovable. In pursuit of this aim they follow several paths. One, which is especially used by men, is to be successful, to be as powerful and rich as the social margin of one's position permits. Another, used especially by women, is to make oneself attractive, by cultivating one's body, dress, etc. Other ways of making oneself attractive, used both by men and women, are to develop pleasant manners, interesting conversation, to be helpful, modest, inoffensive. Many of the ways to make oneself lovable are the same as those used to make oneself successful, "to win friends and influence people." As a matter of fact, what most people in our culture mean by being lovable is essentially a mixture between being popular and having sex appeal. . . . And, maybe, here lies the answer to the question of why people in our culture try so rarely to learn this art, in spite of their obvious failures: in spite of the deep-seated craving for love, almost everything else is considered to be more important than love: success, prestige, money, power -- almost all our energy is used for the learning of how to achieve these aims, and almost none to learn the art of loving."

"One needs to be the latest model oneself, but one then has a right also and a duty to fall in love with the latest model. That can be put as crudely as it was put by a boy of eighteen who was asked what the ambition of his life was. He said he wanted to buy a better car; he wanted to change from a Ford to a Buick so that he could pick up a better class of girls. Well, this boy was at least frank, but I think he expressed something that, in a more subtle way, determines the choice of partners in our culture." - Erich Fromm

This pretty much sums up my feelings of dating and how it is approached in mainstream culture. People spend too much energy trying to act in a certain way and follow a bunch of petty, ridiculous rules that supposedly will make others like them and spend no energy on being genuine and sincere.

God

I wonder if people's perceptions of God are impacted by their parent's parenting style. It would make sense to me. If you had parents who were strict disciplinarians it seems like you would tend to view God in that way. But if your parents were more of the type that is not as strict and more supportive and open then you probably tend to view God in that way. I'm sure there are exceptions but I bet this is true for a lot of people.

"Our heavenly Father is more liberal in His views, and boundless in
His mercies and blessings, than we are ready to believe or receive. .
. . God does not look on sin with [the least degree of] allowance, but
. . . the nearer we get to our heavenly Father, the more we are
disposed to look with compassion on perishing souls; we feel that we
want to take them upon our shoulders, and cast their sins behind our
backs." - Jeffrey R. Holland quoting Joseph Smith

I started thinking about this because someone hung up a sign in the bathroom stall that has a list of things that you feel when you have the spirit and a list of things that you feel when you don't have the spirit. The last one on the having the spirit side said, "you realize that your thoughts and your actions are open to God." I would disagree with this one. At least for me. I have always felt that my thoughts and actions were open to God, but at the same time, I would much rather God see my thoughts than anyone else, even if it's a string of f-words, the reason being that he would have a much better understanding of the circumstances and context of whatever I'm thinking. But then I started wondering if other people don't have that same view. Especially at BYU I've noticed people who seem to think of God as a very critical, strict disciplinarian. I feel like that view makes God very distant, unapproachable, and pretentious.

Hunger = Instability

I can get so crazy when I get really hungry. Sometimes if I'm feeling really depressed or frustrated or angry I realize that I'm really hungry. Then if I eat something I am fine again. Or other times I will be doing something that I really love to do but I will find that I am just not enjoying it. Then I will realize I am hungry.

I think a lot of people don't believe me when I try to tell them this. I think it has something to do with reactive hypoglycemia.